Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Thank God For Friends

I really do thank Jesus, Siddhārtha Gautama, and the multiple Hindu goddess that brought all the friends into my live. Be it those that stays with me or those that left me as an enemy, I still love em' all.

Coming from a single parent family, money is always my issue, in fact, it's my whole family's issue. Mum never ever cringe on what we want even though she hasn't got the money, she would rather spend on us than on herself. Which is what I really hate because I've always feel that what is the point then if I were to work my ass off and at the end of the day, I don't have a single cent to spend on myself. Let's say I do have an extra of RM100 to spend, I would still be thinking of all the things I can pay for(eg, house rent/bills)if I were to not buy that (unnecessary) dress and keep this for household. That is my mom.

Thus I've decided to defer my studies and to come out to work, mainly to gain experience and to see what my real interest are in. And I've found that I've been in the wrong course all this while. Technically, I knew it from the beginning, it's just that I went along with mom's flow. Since she was the one who paid for it. And now that I'm working, I've finally decided to change my course to something that I've always want to do... Mass Communication. Thankful for all the mass communication friends that I've got, they totally poisoned me that I should be the organizer, the talker, the planner, the EVERYTHING except sitting in the office and typing wtf. They are also the reason that made me finally stamp my decision down despite the 2 years spent, slaughtering my own life and time away on E-Commerce and Marketing. Not forgetting the money that my mum used(now it's gonna be called wasted wtf)on me and my course and my travelling fares and my noms noms.
With that, I've also moved out of my comfort zone, my zone for 20 years now. It's really tough living without my mom as I have to do everything from A - Z all by myself. I can't simply spend because if I do then I would have no savings left at the end of the day.

Been really emotional this days and has a lot running through my mind and I think this is my lifetime crisis? I don't even know what that meant wtf.The only thing I know is that I want to be successful so that I can live a better life that my parents could not afford to provide me with. Sometimes I really do feel unwanted, unworthy, lonely, loner, like I just want to sleep eat sleep eat and hopefully the trees outside my house will grow money leaves.. while I eat sleep eat sleep eat sleep. Friends whom I know I can turn to always make me feel a bit more worthy, wanted and actually am not that lonely after all. The boyfriend too tried his best, I hope, to give me all the manly love that I've lacked since the age of 9 and made me feel that someone actually cares for me. Yet, I don't know why I still feel like having lunch alone with a stumpy grouchy face and not wanting to talk to anyone and just want to feel self pity and "Help me ah people, someone come and make me smile please!!"< this kind of a feeling.


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