loosing the ability to breathe easily is really what i picture death to be. i could never truly understand how and what one feels when death is near them.
when i was younger, i have always lay on my bed and wondered... what happens to me when i finally shut my eyes tight and never going to open it again? is that all going to be of me? what will ever happen to the memories and all to all the people that i know? what will i see when i am finally done here, on Earth? what will happen to my body, as in soul?

i was always very inquisitive to this thought.
till this very very day, i still have this thought in me and it would suddenly arose and i would be wondering it all over again like what i did 18 years back, while sleeping on my decker bed and talking through out the night with my grandmother.
all i can do now is to leave this thinking on my own. no more pillow talk with her. it is just me. alone. with some thoughts that one shouldn't have.
i was never afraid of deaths.
i was never that very sad when i attended funerals. i was there to think where could they be after all this ceremony...
i was never at all till...
my grandmother passed away.

sometimes, i would be wishing in my heart that she would come into my dreams and to answer what i had always wanted to know. what does she see?? things that are different or is it just the same but way way beautiful?
i bet that it is more beautiful!! because she is in Heaven!!
seriously, i can't wait to go back to where i belong, my eternal home.

p/s: i am sick. i have got a damn running nose that just wouldn't stop for a rest. i am having stomachache. this stomach just wouldn't stop growling and i am so swollen and i look like a gibbon!!

pp/s: i am not dying!! just that i am still and having that thought again~

am sick but still very much in the mood for some camwhoring.
just to flustered you all with a picture of me sick face today.
and a bad hair day!
damn!